Let yourself shine..
When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.” ~Unknown - THAT IS PERFECT!
Some people are addicted to feeling good. They don’t care, they have to feel great by having someone in their life, even if that someone is clearly not right for them. We all want to feel good and be accepted.
So many meet on dating sites and at work. Many people now a days are both vague enough about what they want that they dive in without really knowing where it will go. They don’t develop trust, intimacy, and never discover shared values and approach to life. Along the way, they get clearer about what they want.
You really should be clear to start. The truth never becomes a lie.
Most, not long after, decide they aren’t on the same page in terms of where their relationship is headed. They break up so each can happily pursue the thing they want. The problem is, they still really like each other. They still want to stay connected to the other.
A great example -
We had been texting and talking on and off—less frequently, but still consistently in those almost three weeks. For the sake of staying connected, I went to dinner with my ex-boyfriend. Twenty days post-breakup, to be exact.
We flirted. We talked. We laughed. We were brutally honest about how hard it was to sit across the table from each other acting is if we were not boyfriend and girlfriend.
We felt like we were lying to ourselves and each other. Something about it felt less than authentic.
As each of us softened around the edges, letting our guards down about what this was “supposed” to be, we decided to just be real with one another. The desire mounted. And then it was like trying to put the brakes on a freight train—it was moving too fast to stop.
Back at his apartment, the intensity of our desire for one another was undeniable. We succumbed to the immediate gratification of how good it felt to be together. To be so familiar and connected, and yet off-limits enough to be really hot. In the moment, it felt so, so satisfying.
But in the aftermath? Nope, I was not satisfied at all. I woke up feeling like I’d lost twenty days worth of traction in creating the space in my life to allow for the relationship that I really want to become available.
You tend to find yourself back to being tangled up in feelings about how much you really care for this person. Why can’t this work? You’re frustrated and upset. You feel pulled all over again. You start experiencing the feelings that led to the breakup all over again.
If your ex was perfectly happy with the way the relationship was going but you weren’t, it’s not going to ever work.
Casual relationships are fine. Both parties need to understand what the rules are and BOTH need to be completely ok with those rules.
You have to be totally honest with yourself or you’re wasting your time, setting yourself up to be hurt and disappointed.
If you want a relationship, don’t be casual. If you want a lifelong commitment, wait and find the one who fits what you want and need. Stop expecting others to change who and what they are. Not everyone is on the same page as you at the same time. Some will never be and some just aren’t your size. They don’t fit you and truthfully, you’re not for them.
We have to end the addiction to feeling good. We have to stop indulging what would feel good now in pursuit of feeling better later.
When you have chosen to lose weight and get in shape, you commit to getting up early the next day to go for a run. But later that day, you decide you really want chocolate cake. You indulge.
It’s a quick rush but later on your body feels heavy and hungover from the sugar. The idea of running seems pretty miserable, let alone actually doing it.
Getting in shape starts to feel a whole lot less appealing, and maybe more cake or even ice cream is a good idea. The whole thing unravels. You settle for ice cream instead of having a body that functions in the way you really want it to.
And then.. there comes a moment when the voice of the bigger thing creeps up again and haunts you. “Wouldn’t it be great if your body felt better? Wouldn’t you like to be able to climb stairs without the heavy breathing? How would it feel to wake up in the morning with your back not hurting?”
At some point, you have to decide which one is more important to you: feeling good in the moment or feeling better in the long run. One calls for more discipline, postponing gratification in pursuit of the bigger thing. The other feels really good right now, but a lot less so later.
Knowing what you really want can be so painful because we don’t really know if it exists, or if we can have it. It’s vulnerable to wonder if you’re spending energy on something that may never come to be.
You may find yourself asking; “Did I let something really wonderful get away because I was so attached to it being on my terms?” and it’s a wonder I’m not completely paralyzed into settling.
Settling isn’t an option. If you settle, you will never feel completely safe, happy or at ease. Something will always be missing. The voice of the bigger thing is really loud, and it won’t let you forget it or discard it in favor of something more readily accessible (not for long, anyways). Do consider this a really inconvenient but poignant gift.
Cut the addiction
It’s time to cut the addiction. I know the withdrawals are going to suck for a while. But the days ahead will be better. The days when it is out of your system, and I can get back to the things I know for certain, instead of chasing my next fix.
Its hard, painful and takes time. It hurts. You will never find what you're looking for or really wanting if you don’t cut your ties. It’s scary, especially when you’re older. Has time run out? Am I too old? No. You’re never too old to start again even after all you’ve been through.
You're also too old to settle. Think of that.
Michelle xo