When we feel a deeply connected to another person, when we start to foster a lot of hope within that connection, we are allowing for ourselves to be vulnerable, and we are allowing someone into our lives and into our hearts, as people who feel so deeply — that holds a lot of waget.
It means something. When those connections suddenly disappear, when this person or this friend walks out of our lives, without any explanation, when we have to set that hope tucked away, that is so dismantling. It leaves us feeling hurt, confused and lost.
When this kind of loss occurs in our lives, when we don’t receive the closure we would so compassionately give to others, the main thing a human being is left to think is why? Why would someone treat us like this? We wouldn’t do it to them.
For those of you who are dealing with this right now — I know how hard it can be. I know how difficult it can be to hope so much for a person, to believe in what you feel with them is genuine. Do they feel the same? Why would they tell us they do and run away?
You are so happy, you get excited about all of the small and nameless things you have experienced with them, to have this hope in your heart that this time they would stay, that this time your love would be met, that this time you would be given the same kind of care and empathy you so willingly give to others, that this time, this time, you gave your heart to the right person.
Now left holding all of that within yourself, to be left with this mess of hope and confusion, to have it sitting like an ache in your stomach, it’s uncomfortable.
Uncertainty is uncomfortable, and when we are not given the opportunity to understand why something had to end, when we are not given the opportunity to comprehend, we find ourselves having to learn from a loss in a way that is constructive, and kind, when we are not given that reasoning, we can start to create that reasoning ourselves. Try not to, you’ll drive yourself crazy.
That is why gaslighting or ghosting can weigh so heavily on our hearts. The cruelty of ghosting is that you have to invent the reason for it, because that person has failed to explain it to you. You have to give yourself your own closure, you have to write your own ending. It’s not really fair.
And unfortunately, we automatically tell ourselves a negative story. We somehow make it about us. We make it about our loss, our what did we do? This then brings out our deepest insecurities about who we are.
We mull over what we could have done differently. We speak the moments from our minds, we try to lay them out on paper, comb through them for signs, for any insight into why we were treated this way by someone we genuinely cared about.
I know what it is like to have to sit with all of that inside of your mind, and your heart. I know what it is like to think that maybe you are hard to love. I know what it is like to wonder why someone just couldn’t respect you enough to be honest with you.
Moments can leave you feeling ashamed, and upset, because you realize that you gave so much of yourself to someone who just did not value it enough to stay, or to at least exit your life gracefully once they decided that they needed to move on.
We wonder if you were too much. We wonder if you were not enough. To wonder if you just didn’t make that much of a difference in the life of someone you felt a connection with, to wonder if they saw you as someone who was disposable, or if they were just bored, or in need of attention, or validation. It hurts. It can really harden you to this world, it can often make you not want to try again. You lose hope in what you are deserving of, and what you are capable of giving another human being.
For anyone trying to move on from being ghosted, left in the dark — I want to remind you that the way you care is someone makes me in awe of.
There is no need to apologize for being the person who cares. You don’t have to question if you are worthy of being loved, or chosen, or respected. You have so much love to give that is good, and kind, and honest.
I know that sometimes that can feel like both a beautiful and burdensome thing. I know that sometimes you wish you can just casually approach your heart, that the way you feel so deeply can wish you’d rather avoid. But stay open. Don’t let this convince you that you do not have something beautiful to offer others. People like you exist in this world, people like you are out there, and you will find them. Don’t close yourself off to the beauty because you have felt the pain.
There are many reasons why someone would do this to you. They could be afraid. A huge liar. They could be a narcissist. They could be so many things. Try hard not to directly think you did it. Get back out there, talk to friends and family. Keep a journal. Get some rest.
When someone is real and they really want to be with you, they step up. Pay attention. No two readings are the same.
I’m here for you if you’d like to book a session. Connect with me.
In the meantime remember how amazing you are. There is someone out there who wants to be with you.